Need some advice....

[Kim]

Okay, so, I'm going to post a journal entry I just wrote, and I need you guys to read it and give me your thoughts on what I should do. Because honestly, I'm at my wits end trying to play little nice nice girl with certain members of my family, and I'm sick of getting the shit kicked out of me time and time again.....thanks for the advice in advance!

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So, the last time I visited my mom's dad and stepmom, who would be my grandparents, I asked them if they would attend my final college graduation (at least for now). My grandma said as long as it didn't conflict with their trip to Alaska and my Cousin's high school graduation, they'd come. This was I believe at Christmas.

So I finally got the information for my graduation and sent an email to them this week, asking them if they weren't busy, were they going to come. Now mind you, this is extremely important to me as both my dad and my mom's mom have passed away (the latter on Thanksgiving 2008), and they knew this was important to me. My mom got a call this evening, and guess what? My grandmother is too "sick" to drive the two hours down, attend an hour and a half ceremony, and drive home. Normally, I wouldn't be mad, cause my grandmother is, in fact, sick.

Here's the kicker - my cousin's HS graduation party is THIS sunday and guess what, my grandparents are not only attending, they're putting the entire thing on. While I do not begrudge my cousin his party, as his parents are the biggest fucking assholes I've ever met, I am both sad and again disappointed. Once again, it goes to prove that my grandparents don't care about me, and never really have apparently.

I think though, I'm more pissed off at myself for even getting my hopes up that they would even give a flying monkey's rat's ass about me, because all it did was set me up to be let down. I have never asked them for anything, and the one time I ask for something, when it's really, really important, I'm basically told "you don't matter".

I would give just about ANYTHING for my dad and maternal grandmother to be there, and I was hoping to at least have a little moral support from the only set of grandparents I have left, but apparently that's asking too much.

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So my question is this - why the hell do I keep letting them hurt me like this? Any ideas on how I can stop being hurt?

[~*Cathy*~]

Got a question. Where does your cousin live (you didn't specifically say)? Is it safe to assume he lives in the same town as them? Cuz I gotta be honest here -if he lives in the same town, and she's not having to drive somewhere else to give this party, I don't really see the problem with it. It's one thing to be sick (you don't mention how sick she is, but you do admit that she is sick, so I'm assuming it's a chronic condition and not just a cold) and throw the party at her house, where she'll have help I'm sure, and it's another to be sick and drive somewhere (even if it's just two hours) sit for a while -more than likely stay and visit for a bit, cuz no one drives to a graduation and then just leaves right after, you have to visit with the grad and stuff- then drive home. I mean, after the six hours I spent driving to MO this past week, I was miserable, and I'm not sick, just pregnant.

Plus, when is your graduation? You failed to mention that too. Is it this weekend? Cuz if so, she did say that they'd come as long as it didn't interfere with his graduation.... *shrugs*

And, I just gotta say that the only way to stop letting them hurt you, is to stop letting it hurt. *shrugs* I know, easier said than done. Trust me, I've been there several times -let down/disappointed by people who were supposed to be my best friends. It happened enough that I was sick of being disappointed and letting it bother me, and so I just stopped. Sure, it still hurts to be let down, but you have two choices: get so upset that you let it make you sick and depressed about it, or you suck it up and move on.

People (family or friends) are always going to let you down, that's just a fact of life. It doesn't get any better as you get older either, I'm sorry to say. You just have to lean on those people who are there for you more, and let those disappointments go. It doesn't do you any good to dwell on it, it can only hurt you more. You have let the disappointments go, and continue to remember the times when people surprised you with their actions, or followed through with promises.

Sorry, I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but the only advice I can give is to "just smile and go on" (something my friends and I used to say when something would upset one of us back in school).

[Kim]

I live 2 hours south. He lives 1 1/2 hours East of them. The other kicker here is, they're leaving for Alaska for a cruise a week after my graduation, which is June 12th. As for her being sick, this actually just happened, she's normally healthy as a horse. The doctor, according to her, told her it was non contagious shingles a few weeks ago. Whatever it is has moved into her throat now. *shrugs* Yeah, mom and I had a long talk this afternoon too, and she's basically "let it go, there's not a thing you can do". I guess maybe what's bothering me the most is, I didn't get to spend time with them while I was growing up, because I lived on the West Coast, and now that I'm back within driving distance, it doesn't seem like they want to have anything to do with me unless they want something. I guess in previous experiences all my other grandparents treated all the grandkids equally, and with this set, I guess I'm feeling singled out as if they don't want to be there for me, which, I know, I can't force them to. As my boss told me this morning "THEIR LOSS. We're proud of you."

[~*Cathy*~]

Okay, I'm going to comment on this, with the risk that people aren't going to be too happy with me, and possibly think I'm the world's biggest bitch, but.... I'm seriously irritated, and can't seem to keep my mouth shut (or fingers still, if you will).

Okay, he lives almost as far from them as you do, and they're basically throwing him a party for graduating. Am I right? You admitted that his parents are asses, so they probably couldn't be bothered to do much for him to celebrate, so your grandparents are going to step in. I don't see this as them favoring him over you; I see this as them helping to support him. They know you have your mother who's always in your corner and backing you up in any way she can. You're very fortunate in that, you have an amazing mother (I know this from previous conversations you and I have had). This doesn't indicate at ALL that they don't care about you, and personally, I find that comment a little offputting. You have a mother who will do whatever she can in her power to help you out, do great things for you, and shows you every day just how much she loves you, and it sounds like this cousin doesn't have that, and at this important time in his life, he should have that. While I'm not saying that graduating college isn't important, graduating high school is a very important time of your life. It's the time when people stop thinking of you as a kid, and start thinking of you as an adult. You've worked hard to accomplish something, during a very trying time in your life (cuz lets face it, puberty isn't easy -being a teenager sucks.) and it should be celebrated a bit more, IMO.

Next: I honestly don't see what the relevance is in them going on their cruise the week after your graduation; I fail to see why you would mention that. But knowing that she has shingles, does change things a bit. I've never had them, or known anyone who's had them, but from what I've heard of it, it's pretty darn painful. I don't know how long you can/would have them, but I can't really say I blame her for not wanting to make two different trips over the course of three weekends, right before leaving for a -possibly- long trip (not sure how long the trip is, but that doesn't affect my thought on the matter).


(This is the part where people might get upset with me, but I gotta be honest here.)

I'm sorry, but as someone who doesn't even have grandparents (mine all passed away when I was really young -under the age of 10), your comments on feeling as though they don't want to have anything to do with you, really bother me. It makes you come off as whiney, and immature IMO. I come from a -basically- tight family, where most of my aunts/uncles are always there for our special occasions, but I do have three or four of them who don't come to special occasions (weddings, graduations, etc). It doesn't mean they don't love us cousins any less than the ones who do come, and we don't love them any less either. They just have a different way of showing us that they love us, and we all accept that, don't run around being upset about it, or feeling sorry for ourselves over it. (ouch -harsh!)

Yes, grandparents can (and probably most do) have favorites amongst their grandkids, I can imagine it would be very hard not too (I know as a parent it's very hard to not show favorites, honestly). I mean, this is the real world we're talking about, and not TV/movies where the grandparents (or even parents, aunts, uncles, etc.) are always the best, and treat everyone equally, and just do all kinds of things for their loved ones. And you've already admitted that you weren't around them very much when you were younger. Knowing that, it doesn't seem as implausible to me that they might favor (possibly without realizing they are. I find it hard to believe they would deliberately hurt you, but I could be wrong.) your other cousin's (who they've been around since they were born) a little more than you. They're more used to them (comfortable, if you will), and doing things for them. But that doesn't mean that they don't care at all about you (which is what you're saying you feel). It just means that, for whatever reason, they don't show it as much/in the manner in which you'd like them to.


(This next comment is probably going to really make me not popular, but here goes anyway -cuz I'm totally okay with that.)

I think that in this case, you need to just be the adult you are and let this go. You're 25, and he's 17/18, right? You're old enough (and should be mature enough) to be able to understand the situation, and he's still just young enough that he might not, if they'd chosen the other way around, and would be upset enough to always remember the disappointment. I'm sorry, but I really think that it's more important to show the younger kids a bit more attention. I mean, if he was in his 20's and graduating college like you, it would be a totally different story, and I wouldn't be saying a word right now. But the fact is, he's not. And your grandparents are probably counting on you to be old enough to be understanding of the situation (I know I would be in the similiar situation). (Of course, it would be nice if they talked to you about it, and not just assumed you'd understand.)

I could be totally wrong in my thinking, and off with my opinions, as I don't know every little instance of them disappointing you over the years, but I just had to be honest here. I really don't think this is something to get so hurt and upset about. I can understand being disappointed, but there are much bigger things out there to be upset about/hurt so much over. :/ Just my two cents, for whatever it's worth. And I'm sorry if you're upset with me right now, but I really felt this needed to be said. And with that, I'll shut up now.

[Kim]

Forget I said anything, and I'm sorry if I irritated you.

[Kim]

So, I had to go take my besties BF to work about a half hour ago, and he brought up something that I hadn't really thought about....I'm actually going to try and call my grandparents in a bit and talk to them about the whole situation, because the last phone call was really quick, and maybe they didn't quite get how important this whole thing is to me. If the answer's still no, then I'm going to live with it, but I want them to hear out of my own mouth instead of me just bitching about it that I'm hurt and upset that they won't come, and I'm going to be honest with them, and I'll deal with it if they still aren't coming. They basically talked to my mom last time, and I think I need to talk them instead of letting everyone else relay information for me.

[~*Cathy*~]

May 30, 2009 12:39:45 GMT -5 Kim said:

Forget I said anything, and I'm sorry if I irritated you.

You know, if you're going to post something without thinking it through first, have the guts to leave it up. Don't edit it.

Seriously, your response was what you were thinking and feeling at the time, and while it didn't make you look very good (what with the swear word), at least it was honest. Which we could do with some more of around here -honesty. (I want people to voice their honest opinions, and not just spout off something they think is "politically correct", or what the other person wants to hear. And if people are going to be posting here, they need to be prepared to hear something they may not like, especially if they're asking for an opinion. I know I honestly expected people to tell me that I was being a big ole bitch for not wanting to take Alisha to MO with us last week, because part of me actually felt that way. I wanted to make sure I wasn't make a bad decision, and was totally prepared for people to tell me I was wrong and should take her. I wouldn't have posted it if I hadn't wanted honest answers from you guys.)

I wasn't going to dignify it with a response at all, I didn't feel it was worth the time so I was going to let it go, but seeing that you've edited it really bothers me. Never be afraid to voice your real opinion (I'm speaking to everyone here at the board with that comment too!).

I took a big risk posting what I posted, knowing that some people could start thinking I'm an uber-bitch, but I'm not about to apologize for what I said, or edit it out either. It's stuff that needed to be said and heard.

The rest of what I have to say to you will be done in private, so look for that PM coming soon.

[rapunzl]

I don't mean to revive a thread that might be better off left alone... and I don't want to stir things back up... but I do have a little something to say that's kind of itching to get out.

I'd first like to apologize for the delayed response - I was going through finals, multiple graduations, and am now studying for the bar exam (i.e. evil licensing exam for attorneys that takes two straight months, full-time, to study for).

Now, I can't speak much about the majority of what was commented here... but I do want to say something about the original topic of this post - her grandparents the resulting hurt - which is what Kim asked us to talk about, anyhow.

I recently graduated from law school - May 22nd - and I also had to face familial attendance problems. I have 4 siblings and 2 brothers-in-law, but no other relatives in the U.S. My parents immigrated to the U.S. in the 70s, so barring two uncles in NJ (and one who has been very, very ill in MA), I have no one but them. However, I also had to take into account that BOTH my younger brother was graduating from college AND a brother-in-law was graduating from dental school the weekend prior. So I told my two sisters in NJ (C and E) that they didn't have to make the trip up for two weekends in a row and they could skip my graduation. It would suck, but that was life. And to that point, I agree - sometimes life sucks, and the younger people need more attention.

The part that hurt - and that made me understand Kim's problem probably better than anyone else here - is when my sister, C, specifically took the week off and stayed here in MA so she could attend all three graduations. I was sincerely touched and excited she'd be able to make it to mine. Then, the evening before my graduation, I was told (through my mother, no less) that C was not going to be able to attend my graduation because she had an eye doctor appointment. It stunned me to think she considered an eye doctor appointment more important than something that I had worked so hard for.

Now, I'm not going to try to compare Kim's situation with mine, but I think I understand the hurt she's feeling. I understand how it feels to put four years of your life into something, then feel like someone is blowing off the one moment you can shine - something that you feel is significantly less important, or with no good reason that you can see. Needless to say, I think I can say that understand where she's coming from.

I don't think anyone has the right to tell her not to be hurt, because I hurt like all hell. I don't think anyone should tell her not to care, because part of loving someone is caring - and frankly, I'd rather she love her grandparents, no matter what they do to her, than the opposite. I still love my sister, despite how (un)intentionally she hurt me. And I don't think anyone can tell her not to vent, because I sure as heck vented out my hurt, and I'm much closer to Cathy/Shawn's age than Kim's.

But maturity is all about how you act when you actually confronting the person that hurt you. And from what she said here, she vented her hurt, she released all that, then contacted her grandparents and said what she needed to say. Granted, Kim vented her hurt in a public forum, but perhaps she considers this a safe place to do that - and I'd rather support her in the hurt, then guide her to react appropriately, then tell someone not to be hurt at all.

I guess I just look at the world a different way. I'd rather take the hurt with the love than shut myself off. I tried that earlier this year when I was sick of disappointment/hurt/etc., and I just can't live that way.

Well, that's my two cents. I will continue to escape from my cave at random intervals to say hello to people, but since the bar exam isn't until July 29-30 (yes, it's two days long), I can't promise much until August.

*hugs to all* and congratulations to anyone who deserves it and I miss it (especially for child birth, Cathy!!).