HELP! I Need Your Advice -Personal Stuff

[~*Cathy*~]

Guys, I really need your advice on something, and this is the only place I have to come and talk about it, as the person it pertains to is a friend of my LJ, so I can't ask there.

As several of you know, we had a teenage friend living with us for the last two years. He joined the Army and left back in November for Boot Camp and then AI training. He graduates next Thursday, and the hubby and I are going to MO and will be bringing him home with us (he's going to collage here in Btown). His mother and sister were supposed to be going (together), but his mom's "backed out at the last minute" according to his sister. She's contacted me (via IM), asking if she can just ride over with us, and help us pay for gas. This is what I need help with.

I want to say 'no' to her really, really bad, but I feel like shit (sorry for the language) for doing it. I know it would mean a lot to Nolan for her to be there (they're very close -best friends), and I don't want to disappoint him, and him be upset with me. I've told her that I will let her know by Sun. night, as I've really got to think about it.

Those of you who know me really well, know how I feel about this girl. The hubby can't stand her either, and he's always uncomfortable when she's around. For those of you who don't know me well, here's a little bit of how I feel about her.

She's 21 years old, and very immature (acts like she 14 or 15 still). I could give you lots of examples of immature things she's done, but I don't want to waste your time any more than I already am. I can't stand being around her for more than 10 mins, without wanting to slap her upside the head. She's loud. She's sort of obnoxious. She's lesbian, and while I don't have a problem with that at all, it's all the jokes she's constantly making regarding it (part of the reason the hubby's uncomfortable around her). I don't like to hear straight people make the kind of jokes she does, and I certainly don't like it when she's doing it in front of my kids either. (Yeah, she doesn't edit what she says even when my kids are around. ) She takes advantage of everyone who's willing to be nice to her -especially our Grandparents (yeah, it's a long story, but we share Grandparents, even though we're not related by blood). I've done her several favors before, and yet I don't bother to ask her for anything, as I know she wouldn't help out (unless it somehow would benifit her too). I could go on and on, but I won't.

The drive is six and a half hours, and I really don't think I could handle that long with her -in the confines of a car, when I can't stand being around her for 10mins without wanting to slap her. The hubby and I would make the trip in silence (him driving, me reading), but if she comes, she won't shut up the whole way. She can't just sit and be quiet, she's always gotta be talking. *sigh*

Another thing is the hotel room. I have no idea if she's got a room booked somewhere, but there's no way in HELL she can stay with us in ours. First of all, it's only got one bed, and second -it's going to be the last night we'll have to be alone without a teenager around (if you get my meaning lmao sorry, TMI?) Anyway.... LOL

Being pregnant, I'm a tad bit grumpier than normal too, and so it takes less for other people to piss me off. That doesn't bode well for the trip either. I don't need to spend the whole two days we're gone in a bad mood.

Now, I won't feel bad if she gets mad at me for saying no. I can deal with that, as I really don't care what she thinks about me. I can happily live my life without ever seeing (or talking to) her again. (Yeah, I know, I'm a bad person. ) It's Nolan I will feel bad for disappointing. I've not had a chance to ask him if he would be upset with me for not bringing her, and that bothers me. I'm not sure if he'll get a chance to call home again before we head over there. He knows exactly how I feel about her, so maybe he wouldn't blame me, but then again, I don't know.

The girl is 21 years old, she has her license now, so I'm sort of of the opinion that she could go herself if it's something that really means a lot to her. She's got a job, so she's got her own money for gas and food, and she has her own vehicle now.

Well, I think I've rambled enough about it. I would really love to know what you guys think. What would you do? Would you let her go with you, knowing that before you got out of your state limits you'd be ready to kill her? Or knowing that she doesn't have a hotel room (cuz I'm pretty sure she didn't think that far ahead), and would some how have to be put in your room?

I guess I'm wanting you to tell me I'm not a terrible person for NOT wanting to take her. LOL I'm one of those people who feels guilty for saying 'no' to people if they ask something of me. I've been raised to believe you help people out when they need it, and have a hard time saying 'no'. But, at the same time, I just can't stand her, and want to be selfish and save myself the stress of dealing with her for over two days. Plus, she's not a "needy" person, and I don't really think it would be the end of the world for her to not go. Sure, she'll be disappointed, and upset with me, but ya know, she should have known her mom wouldn't follow through (long story) and made other arrangements before now. And I didn't take her to raise! Why should I always have to bail her ass out when something goes wrong? *sigh*

I sent her an IM reply tonight, and told her flat out that the only reason I didn't say NO outright is because I know it would mean a lot to Nolan for her to be there, but that it doesn't mean I won't say no in the end. I told her she could be upset with me if she wants, I don't care, I just wanted to be honest with her about it.

So, how big a bitch am I? Your guys' thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and will help me decide what to do. I'm really torn here. *sigh*

Thanks guys for taking the time to read -and hopefully reply. You're the best!

~Cat~

[wk88]

Damn...sounds like a no-win situation either way you look at it. Luckily, I consider myself quite the expert on those. Lol.

In my opinion, you wouldn't be a bad person by telling this girl "no." It sounds like you've done a lot for her already and--again, from personal experience--there comes a point where being nice becomes flat out being taken advantage of. From what I gather, that ship set sail a long time ago. This girl has all the necessary tools in front of her to get from point A to point B, plus she's 21 freaking years old; it's time for her to be a big girl.

Now, if this girl was someone who was mature, responsible, and not a pain in the ass, and you just didn't want to deal with another body, I'd say you were being a jerk, but obviously that's not the case here. Ultimately, though, only you can really decide what the best choice in this situation is. I personally would say no for one big reason; if this girl comes along you're going to be miserable, and that's not only going to make it incredibly difficult for you to enjoy you're time away, it's likely going to make everyone else around you miserable as well.

[nfty07]

I agree with wk88. I would say no because I wouldn't want my kids around that kind of language that you say she does. wk88 is right she is 21 she needs to be a big girl and do it herself. You are pregnant so I wouldn't bring her with you in the car you need to say stress free. If she comes along than your trip is going to be very stressful for everyone.

I would also ask Nolan what he would think if you say No. I am sure he will understand

[White Firebird]

To go with WK, yeah, it does sound like a no win situation. But after reading everything, I'd have to agree; you wouldn't be a bad person by telling this person 'no'. It sounds like she's trying to take advantage of your kindness again. Perhaps she needs the reality check that you aren't going to break your back for her anymore, and being 21, in her case, she should be able to take care of herself. I hope this helps.

[Kim]

Cat, chica, I've been around you when she's done her "stupid shit" and I remember you talking about Nolan all the time. I understand they're siblings and best friends, but here's the thing - if she cares about him at all, this is the time to prove it. You shouldn't have to put yourself out for her. I know you love Nolan dearly, as he's a sweetheart and who wouldn't want to do things for him, but there's a point where she's got to be an adult. Sounds to me like she's just being lazy (that's the bitch in me too, cause I could see being scared about driving 6 hours somewhere, but this is her brother!). You are under no obligation to take her, and you know Nolan loves you too, so I don't think he's going to be extremely upset by this - in the end, he's mature enough to understand if you tell her no and then she doesn't show up. Just because you don't take her, doesn't mean there's not a way for her to get there. In the end though, you gotta do what your heart is telling you, and that's that sometimes you need time to yourself and between you and the hubby.

[Jade_Max]

I don't think you're a bad person for wanting to tell her "no" - just like everyone else, I think you should.

If she's self sufficient (which seems to be the case) tell her to take the bus. There are other factors to take into account rather than -her- comfort... your own; your kids; the fact you're expecting; the fact you want alone time with your hubby...

To some, it might seem selfish, but maybe what this girl needs is a reality check. Explain to her brother exactly what you told us - the effect she has on you and your family and the negative things you -don't- want to have occur, and I'm sure he'll understand why you tell her no.

Besides, if she cares that much to come, she's capable of seeing her own way. I know it's her brother you're worried about, but maybe it's time to stop worrying what he'll think; this has absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with his sister.

[~*Cathy*~]

WOW! Thanks you guys sooooo much!! I feel much better about deciding to not take her now. I appreciate you guys all taking the time to read and respond, it means a lot that you guys are willing to help someone out. (I'm so proud to have you all on the board! Do we kick ass or what?! LOL)

Nolan was actually able to call home tonight (half hour ago in fact) and I asked him if he would be upset with me if I didn't bring her. I explained that his mom was backing out, and she wanted a ride. He assured me he was totally okay with me not brining her; he'd just hang out and catch up with her after getting back home. *whew!*

So, after talking to him, and you guys assuring me it didn't make me a bad person, I'm going to tell her no. She might not like it, but I'm okay with that. LOL Nolan even said she might be upset about it, but I told him I didn't care if she was mad at me, as long as he wasn't, I was okay with it. (yeah, I might be a bit of a bitch. LOL)

Anyway, THANKS! you guys!! You really helped me a lot.

*HUGS*
~Cat~