Post by shawn30 on Aug 5, 2008 15:18:04 GMT -5
The Melissa, Liz, Megan, and Angela 'It's Not My Fault' Dating Contract
This is a legally binding contract made on the date of ___________________ between X ___________________________,
hereinafter known as a potential boyfriend or male companion, and________________, hereinafter known as a brilliant, beautiful, and amazing young woman.
X____________________, hereby referred to as the potential boyfriend, understands and agrees to the following provisions for and punishments against breaching this legally binding contract.
1. Disclaimer Agreement
1. I am of good health; sound mind and body that does not exceed 25% body fat. X__________
2. I do not snort cocaine, smoke crack, or shoot heroin. Note: any new aliases for such drugs still apply Example. If you smoke Donkey Dust and that's what they call crack at your university/job/village/swamp/forest/or hut, then you are in breach of this contract. X__________
3.I do not in any way shape or form have a criminal conviction, nor a criminal case pending. I have no more than two outstanding parking/speeding tickets. I do not have any outstanding warrants for my arrest. X__________
4. I have received, nor given, nor do I currently have any sexually transmitted diseases. X__________
5. I am not a male prostitute, nor do I have more than one child, which if I did would be in breach of this contract. X__________
6. I am aware of current fashion and do dress accordingly to my age and social status. I am not sloppy in public, nor do I lack coordination or balance. I don't fall down on my face. X__________
7. I am not a terrorist. X________
8. I do not work at McDonalds or any such fast food resturant. X___________
9. I hearby solemnly swear that I believe Tommy Oliver and Kimberly Hart are soul matters, never to be shippe apart, and would rather sell my mother to a South American drug lord than see them apart. X__________
2. Morality Clause
I, X______________ denounce cheating on your girlfriend or boyfriend, lying to people, and not telling the truth when you are clearly caught and busted. Initials____
2. I believe in working hard and furthering my education. I do not believe drinking beer, kicking ass on my XBOX 360 online in John Madden Football, or downloading porn from bit torrent websites is a career. X__________
3. I love my momma X__________
4. Blow jobs, going down on another woman, anal sex, foot sex, hand jobs, fingering her, and yes, phone sex are forms of cheating I do not approve of. X__________
5. I feel that if a man lies and cheats on a good woman he should be beaten by goons loyal to said good woman, and that she is due financial reparations for wasting her time and sanity. X__________
6. X________ is a incredibly wonderful, sweet person and I fully understand that hurting her in any way, shape or form will result in possible retaliation using, but not to be used simultaneously, voodoo, black magic, gang warfare, ex-cons, and or hired goons.X__________
3. Honesty is the best policy. *note* This section is not to be filled out by the man who was given this contract, but by those ____________ deems should sign it that are or have been closer to said man.
1. My son is a good son. X__________ Signees Mother and or the woman who raised him.
2. Yes, I was able to climax during sex with ________ at least 70% percent of the time. Yes, he did enjoy going down and took suggestions and advice very well on the subject of oral sex. Yes, he understood that I do not take it in the butt and neither will you.X__________ Sighnees ex-girlfriend of no more than two years past.
3. My son does not live with me, nor does he live in the backyard. Yes, the attic and basement are a part of my home and he does not live there either. X_________ Sighnees mother or father.
4. _____________ is a good, trusting friend and it not secretly gay or suppressing such feelings, nor does he identify with women in a way that makes him want to dress like them in secret. He also showers and changes his underwear and or socks daily. X__________ Current best friend or current relative.
4. "Not My Fault" Legally Binding Clause
1. I hereby agree and understand that under no circumstance is anything that goes wrong in my relationship with ________ her fault. It is hereby understood that I accept all blame for the downfall, break-up, or need for space in any relationship entered into with Ms._______. She is to be respected and romanced at all times and such a time as I can no longer perform said duties, I shall take it upon myself to rest a burning hot iron on my balls as self-punishment for wasting her time. She is perfect and glorious and I am honored that she choose me and I will take such a lofty gift with the proper weight it deserves.
I shall memorize her phone number, class schedule, email address, cell phone number, and birth date within the first week *five business days* of dating Ms.________. I shall work out regularly so that I might complement the beauty that is _______. I shall keep myself clean and fresh smelling, as well as purchase any cologne she deems is pleasing to her sense of smell. I shall not leave the room mysteriously when my cell phone rings. I shall not bitch her out EVER when she gets mad that I didn't call her, because I shall call regularly. I shall make her a priority in my life and, within reason, spend time with her so as to romance and get to know her better. Jackass friends of mine shall be discarded if they disrespect Ms._______ in any way.
I shall be nice, considerate, open to a difference of opinion, and never ever ever ever ever ever ever forget that _________ is right and I am wrong at the end of the day.
I hereby certify that my penis or cock is at least:
____________________________________________________________________7 - several inches long, as per her requirement, and not to exceed nine inches, which would nullify said contract. A Polaroid picture of my penis will accompany this contract.
X_____________________
1. Should Ms.___________ be incredible skilled in a particular sexual act; one that litterally removes the memory of any and all other women you have been with, it is understood that no mention EVER of her amazing talents shall leave the bedroom unless or until such a date as Ms_______ feels such knowledge should be made public. Furthermore, if it is proven beyond a reasonable doubt that word and or stories of performance breakdowns of a intimate nature have reached the public, any and all sexual favors will be revoked, a $5,000.00 fine will be imposed immedietly, and Ms._________ angry, mean, and very un-nice friends shall have a 'meeting' with you that you will not enjoy. X_________
Understanding how very lucky I am that Ms.________ would even consider dating me, I pledge that the above information is true and accurate, as well as up to date. I am not a male slut, nor do I feel the need to sleep around. I do not suck, and my lack of sucking is a requirement for this contract to be legally binding. I accept all the above agreements and provisions. Thank you to Ms________ for accepting my application.
Date X_______________
Signature X_____________
The Morality Clause is fricking hilarious... Esp. the parts where you need witness signatures *applause and standing o*